The Plan

Claudio and I were married in the winter of 2003. Claudio was a house painter, I was a university student.

I finished my degree a year later and got a job. I had no real career aspirations, I just wanted to work for a year before getting pregnant so I'd get my year of maternity leave (yes, in Canada you get a whole year). Then I was going to be a SAHM. Claudio had a good job painting, he was making more than enough money. This was going to be our life. This was The Plan.

Lemon Boy was born in 2007

The Plan changed in 2008 right about when the economy started to go downhill. Claudio hurt his back and got laid off from his job in October. Lemon Boy was 18 months and we had just bought a new house. We decided that I would get a job and Claudio would stay home with Lemon Boy until he found something else. It was a stressful time, it took me two and a half months to actually find a full-time job but it was also a good time as well. Claudio, Lemon Boy and I spent a lot of time together (with no one working) and amazingly we didn't get tired of each other!

The following February (2009) Claudio was hired at our Church to lead the youth group as a part-time job. This was kind of cool because Claudio had actually finished about half of a Leadership and Ministry diploma at a local Bible college earlier in our marriage; but had given it up because he didn't really see the point of finishing if he was going to be a painter for the rest of his life. He continued with the part-time position until a month before I had Googa at which point the church hired him full-time. I was of course calmly placing my trust in God FREAKING OUT that we would not be able to make it if Claudio stayed part-time and I was on maternity leave but yes, God had the perfect timing.

Googa was born in February 2010

Claudio is now full-time youth pastor/downstairs custodian at our church. I work full-time as an Administrative Assistant at a foundation. Sometimes I think about the original plan. How wonderful it was all going to be and how perfect it looked and sometimes... I wonder "what if?"

We work opposite shifts (me during the day, him at night with one day a week) Although working full-time was not what I wanted, right now it's what I have to do. My boys get to spend their days with Daddy and one day a week with their Tia and cousins. Although the boys enjoy this arrangement for the most part, it certainly wasn't part of our original plan!

When I look back, I can clearly see God's hand directing our lives. I know that right now Claudio and I are where we are supposed to be, in His Plan. Now generally you share these sorts of stories when everything is worked out and you can say "Look, see how God worked it all out for good! It's so much better than I had planned it!" But that's not where I am right now. The truth is, right now I'm struggling with His Plan and I find myself questioning and comparing my life with those around me.

On a whim the other day I turned to Isaiah 40. God must have turned those pages because this is what is says in verses 12-14

12 Who else has held the oceans in his hand? Who has measured off the heavens with his fingers? Who else knows the weight of the earth or has weighed out the mountains and the hills? 13 Who is able to advise the Spirit of the LORD? Who knows enough to be his teacher or counselor? 14 Has the LORD ever needed anyone's advice? Does he need instruction about what is good or what is best?

Oh. 

You see, I have been complaining in my spirit about my current situation. I was telling God that it wasn't what's best for me and my family. What He was doing wasn't good, it wasn't what was best for me, for our family. 

I was telling the God of the entire universe, the One who has no beginning and no end, the One who created me in my mother's womb and who knew every minute of every day of my life before I took my first breath, I was telling God that His Plan wasn't good enough, that He didn't know what was best for me!

I had forgotten God's sovereignty, His Greatness. I was turning Him into Santa Clause. "god, I was a good girl this year, now I want _________"

WRONG, wrong, wrong, wrong.

We don't always know why God allows our lives to take the turns that they do. Right now I can't see why God is doing what He's doing in my life. But here's where the hard part comes in. I know that God is Sovereign, He is The Lord. I believe this even if I don't always feel it.